Meditating on the new Conan Movie

As I have mentioned before, I am not a huge fan of Hollywood. It takes a great deal for me to be interested in actually bothering to go see a movie in the theater. In fact, I tend to place my money with companies and ideas that threaten the current system in Hollywood.

I say all of this as a prelude to explain why it is that only now have I attempted to watch the newest Conan movie — a subject that was discussed in some detail leading up to and right after its release, especially by those in the OSR who are REH fans. This discussion did nothing to convince me to see the movie then and it was only until a few days ago that the movie showed up on Netflix.

Something else I must admit: my time is valuable, therefore I have no qualms about turning a movie off or putting down a book without ever finishing either if I feel as if they are wasting my time. Unfortunately, the new Conan movie falls into this category. I wanted to like it. I watched it longer than I normally would have. In the end, though, it was unwatchable dreck and I turned it off somewhere around the 45 minute mark.

It was enough, however, for me to formulate a theory as to why the new Conan movie failed on just about every level, but most especially as a Conan movie. Hollywood has a history of getting caught up in fads — similarly themed scripts that different studios pick up and produce in order to compete with each other. A recent example is the two Snow White movies that came out this summer.

The new Conan movie is a victim of this slavish adherence to The Fad. I say this because after I turned off Conan, I watched the first 30-45 mins of The Immortals (slightly higher quality dreck) and realized I was watching the same movie:

• Both start with a narrative about an ancient war in which a powerful magical item was lost/hidden.
• Both have a vile villain at the head of a huge army in which kills the parent of the hero.
• Both villains attack a monastery that guards a virgin.
• Both virgins are necessary for the grand plan of the villain to conquer the world.
• Both heroes encounter these virgins at the beginning of the movie to set up one of the central conflicts of the movie.

The reason the new Conan movie suffered so much was because Hollywood has far more faith in the current fad than it does in the brilliance of any source material it happens to exploit to push forward the most recent fad.

One of the reasons I got into RPGs in the first place and why I have consistently come back is the DIY element of the hobby. I am completely free to do what I want with a story/campaign/character and never have to be disappointed by some exec in Hollywood who could care less for the material their movie is supposedly based upon.

Saintly Saturday: St. Abercius of Hierapolis

Today is the feast of St. Abercius the Wonderworker of Hierapolis and is a remarkable way to end this particular week. He was a 2nd century bishop in the Phrygian city of Hierapolis where the cult of Apollo was not only popular, but the chief patron of the city. While the city was celebrating a festival in honor of their favorite deity, St. Abercius received a revelation where he was instructed to destroy the idols.

That night he snuck into the temple and proceeded to overturn all of the statues therein. As dawn broke and the revelers discovered the saint's work, he boldly declared that all the gods must have become drunk from the quantity of libations offered them and then got into a fight with each other in their drunken confusion.

Enraged at the insult to their gods, a mob began to form in order to take revenge. They were stopped in their tracks by fear, however, when St. Abercius cast out demons from three young men. Upon hearing the Gospel, the crowd and then the city became Christian. St. Abercius reposed in peace near the end of the second century.

I find it remarkable that at the end of a week where I asked the question Is Christianity Compatible With D&D that I get to tell the story of a Christian saint involved in what can only be called a trope of both Sword & Sorcery tales and D&D. The scenario of sneaking into a temple to either steal stuff or do damage plays a significant part in my own formation as an S&S fan and a D&D player.

My introduction to the genre was Lawrence Watt-Evans second installment of his Lords of Dûs series, The Seven Altars of Dûsarra:

The crux of the story has Garth the Overman sneaking into all the temples of the Dark Gods in order to steal whatever is on their altars.

I realize that there is many an REH fan who despises Swarzenegger's Conan the Barbarian (I tentatively place myself among them); however, it was my first "D&D movie" and I still get a kick out of how Conan and company steal the Eye of the Serpent from the Temple of Set.

Speaking of REH, I came late to the creator of Conan. As many before me, I have come to really enjoy his stories. My favorite is The God in the Bowl which sees Conan sneaking into what the locals call Kallian Publico's Temple

Lest we forget, the idea of sneaking into temples are part and parcel to several modules from the early days of the hobby:

• A1 Slave Pits of the Undercity
• C1 Hidden Shrine of Tanoachan
• D2 Shrine of the Kuo-Toa
• T1-4 The Temple of Elemental Evil
• WG 4 The Forgotten Temple of Tharizdun

I am sure these are not the last and that I am leaving out others. Needless to say, this just goes to show that even saints have been known to sneak into places to do things we might only expect a D&D PC to do…